Sunday, 16th August 2009. The sun is blazing down on Reed
Green and both the square and outfield look in excellent
condition, thanks to the efforts of groundsman Richard
“ride-on” Robertson. It is the most eagerly awaited day of
the season for settling old scores as father plays son,
brother plays brother, and sister plays on her Nintendo DS
as she dreams of being somewhere else, anywhere else, other
than Reed Green on President’s day.
As the players make their way out, your scribes are eagerly
awaiting to report on the proceedings, but as we are also
expected to keep scores and serve drinks all bloody day
long we do not want to hear any complaints about the
accuracy of what follows.
From our vantage point on the pavilion veranda we have a
near perfect view of playing area. It would be a completely
perfect view was it not for the hanging baskets so
thoughtlessly, sorry thoughtfully, placed in our line of
vision by Andrew “that’s my boy” Emms. But these are just
minor distractions compared to the wasps which appear to be
nesting in them. Only joking. So, without further ado let
us proceed to the days events, so eagerly anticipated by
all and sundry in the club. Even now it is obvious that
some of the members are already very sundry indeed, and we
have only just opened the bar (more of which later).
The teams have been selected and the draw pitches Morss’s
Marauders against Wardie’s Warriors in the first game of
six in the round-robin. This was a very dull affair indeed
with nothing of note to report, excepting that the
Marauders (55 for 2) beat the Warriors (52 for 2).
On to the second game which saw the bookies’
favourites Archer’s Angels take on Martin’s Missiles. At
least we can report a highlight from this game as applause
reverberated all around the ground when Alex West took the
wicket of up and coming all-rounder Will “spinning Will”
Dobson courtesy of a spectacular diving catch by Tom
Greaves. Some half-decent bowling restricted the Missiles
to a very gettable 48 for 4, but the most pathetic batting
of the day saw the Angels collapse to 21 all out prompting
the rumour that their wings been clipped before the game.
The bowling was not that special either. All right, Julian
Fynn took two wickets with consecutive balls to knock the
stuffing out of the Angels but there were no excuses.
The luncheon interval followed and a surfeit of pork pies
proved to be the undoing of Morss’s Marauders in the next
game as they slumped to an embarrassing 36 for 4.
Their bowling was no better, and faced with such a low
total it was no surprise that Archer’s Angels unruffled
their feathers and notched up their first win. Openers Jack
“Golden Arm” Tidey and the impressive looking David Johnson
knocked off the runs with an over to spare.
Next up it was the Warriors against the Missiles,
whose increasingly desperate efforts in the field saw
Marcus colliding with brother Fergus while trying to cut
out a boundary. The Warriors managed 56 for 3, which
included a second big six over cow corner by Captain Karl
and an audacious (and not very well timed) reverse sweep by
Sean Tidey, trying (and failing) to impress the selection
committee. The highlight of the game was one for the record
books. We can confidently predict that the following
statement has never, ever appeared in print before or even
been uttered by any club member over an extremely well
poured pint in the bar afterwards.
Peter Tidey was run out going for a second run! Hard to
believe we know, but there were countless other witnesses.
This is not a mistake by your overworked reporters. To
their credit the Missiles launched a valiant effort to win
the game but were stopped in their tracks when Lee Johnson
came on to bowl. Not only was Lee the best fielder on view
all day, his over saw just six runs scored with the loss of
two wickets. The Missiles went out with a whimper rather
than a bang, finishing on 53 for 4.
At this stage of the proceedings all four sides had won one
game, which turned the last two games of the round-robin
into bona fide semi-finals. In Latin bona fides (bona fide
means “in good faith”), is the mental and moral state of
honesty, conviction as to the truth or falsehood of a
proposition or body of opinion, or as to the rectitude or
depravity of a line of conduct. This concept is important
in law, especially equitable matters. In contemporary
English, “bona fides” is sometimes used as a synonym for
credentials, background, or documentation of a person’s
identity. “Show me your bona fides” can mean: Why should I
trust you (your good faith in this matter)? Tell me who you
are. In this sense, the last phrase is often used by Matt
Bowles when addressing friends after a night out in
Cambridge. Source: Wikipedia
Where were we….ah yes the semi-finals. In the first match
the Missiles were up against the Marauders. In a tight game
the Missiles scrambled to 45 for 4, with Will Dobson out
LBW to Christian Martin, brother Marcus also out LBW, this
time to Captain Morss, and Julian Fynn brilliantly run out
by a direct hit from George Greaves. What prospects these
Greaves boys are. In reply the Marauders struggled to keep
up with the rate until Will Dobson came on to bowl.
His one over cost 11 runs including two wides and two
NB’s (selection committee please note). With victory in
sight, Captain Morss then gave away his wicket, getting
himself caught and bowled off a full toss from Marcus. As
our oldest and most experienced bowler, surely he should
have seen that one coming. Mitchell Cooper looked good but
he flattered to deceive and was clean-bowled when he tried
to clip a straight one off his legs. As panic set in,
George Greaves almost undid all his good work in the field
by running himself out, but Lady Luck intervened and two
edged fours in the last over saw the Marauders fall over
the line and into the final.
In the other semi-final, a less than impressive display by
the Angels saw them post 44 for 3, with Jack Tidey out LBW,
David Johnson run out in a very close call and Tom Greaves
caught by wicket-keeper Marcus Baker after thick-edging one
into orbit. In reply, Paul Garrott and Sean Tidey got the
Warriors off to a good start, and a power-play by Jim
Allsop saw them home and dry with one over to spare.
So we know the finalists, but who will be awarded the
wooden spoon? After a long day in the field and bar, a very
tired Missiles team conceded 82 runs for the loss of just
one wicket, bowling such dross that Will Dobson accumulated
48 very easy runs. For this very entertaining knock he was
given the best player award by our President, whose
judgement by this time had become very suspect following
another long day in the bar.
Needless to say, Archer’s Angels could not rise to the
occasion, with Jason himself falling for the most obvious
trap that was set for him when he was caught by Kallum Ward
off the bowling of Fergus. A lesson to be learnt there
about field placing, perhaps, for present and future
captains, especially Jason. With 50 required off the last
over, the Angels consoled themselves with a six off the
last ball.
And so to the final. Morss’s Marauders against
Wardie’s Warriors, a repeat of the first game! Was all the
effort worth it we hear you ask? This is a question for the
philosophers in the club, and we have a few. Philosophy is
the study of general and fundamental problems concerning
matters such as existence, knowledge, truth, beauty, law,
justice, validity, mind, language and cricket. Philosophy
is distinguished from other ways of addressing these
questions (such as mysticism or mythology) by its critical,
generally systematic approach and its reliance on reasoned
argument. Philosophy comes from the Greek φιλοσοφία
wisdom”, or in Matt Bowles’ case “love of lager”. Source:
Wikipedia
Your reporters could have been at homing doing something
useful like cutting the grass, but no, we will struggle on
in the sweatshops otherwise known as the scorebox and bar
to record this epic match. The Marauders struggled to score
quickly, with a particularly well-bowled double wicket
maiden by Jim Allsop, recalling memories of his six-wicket
haul against Royston in the Keatley Cup final all those
years ago. Matt Bowles brought some respectability to the
final score of 48 for 5 by taking 16 runs off the bowling
of Peter “badly tiring” Tidey in the final over.
In response, the Warriors played sensibly and reached 35
for 2 after four overs. Mitchell Cooper then bowled Paul
Garrott with his first ball, but Lee Johnson showed his
class by steering two well placed shots to the boundary to
secure victory. An excellent all round performance by Lee,
well-deserving of greater recognition.
All over, then, bar the shouting, or to be more
precise the awards ceremony. The 2009 President’s Day has
been highly successful, both on and off the pitch, with bar
takings of £510 reflecting the huge amount of work done
behind the bar. Very modestly Howard did not mention that
he paid for the lunch himself and the magnificent trophies,
and concentrated on acknowledging all the helpers. Bethan
“chauffeuse to the gentry” Smith was thanked for helping to
prepare the lunch and clearing up afterwards, and also
Cilla “burger queen” Robertson for running the BBQ. Our
three umpires were thanked, although Paul Watts buggered
off after just three games leaving the lions share of the
work to Peter “already promoted” Baker and Neil “slow arm”
Haslam. Our scorer was thanked. Even his delightful
daughter was thanked, but have you noticed the deliberate
mistake? Hurtful, very hurtful. Next year you can get
somebody bloody else to write the report.
This report has been faithfully transcribed from the notes
of David “my boy is better than your boy” Cooper, by Peter
“frustrated writer who should stick to pulling pints”
McMeekin.
N.B. Any comments, complaints or libel writs should be
addressed to DC.
P.S. The politically correct editorial committee (BM) has
pointed out that we failed to mention the exploits of
Rupert Martin, George Garrott, Chris West, John Kershaw,
Graham Hazard and James Bloor, all of whom have very
sensitive natures and could be very upset by being left
out. Tough.
P.P.S. Whilst on the subject of being left out, why did
Andy Young, Phil Frenay and Richard Barlow all cry off at
the last minute? Andy had a reasonable excuse in that his
wife put her foot down, but Phil claimed to be moving house
– pull the other one, and Richard decided his priorities
lay with football, selection committee please note.
P.P.P.S Other notable absentees on the day included the
Heslams. The whereabouts of John and William are unknown,
believed to be abroad. (Note to Keith – can you check the
bar account bank balance), but James opted to spend some
quality time with a member of the opposite sex. Not a very
good example to set.
